I

A Little Piece of Me

I just got a job. I should be happy. Well, I am happy, really.

It's just that I'm scared.

I don't know why.

Maybe it's because it's gonna be a new environment for me.

New people... Nah!

I know that's not it.

Truth is, I'm afraid to fail.

I have always been afraid to fail.

Afraid of rejection. Afraid to disappoint people, especially those who I really care about.

Yeah. I have a lot of regrets.

It's the Lenten Season and somehow, on this day, I was able to reflect on many things.

Important things.

Like how fragile I am = how weak I am in reality compared to what I blindly believe in.

My fears. Things that are wrong with me.

Things that I really like. Those that I want to achieve and hold and keep for the rest of my life.

I always thought I want to be a businessman. A tycoon, actually.

But why is it that corporate jobs bore me?

I am not even interested with management or the corporate ladder.

Wrong! I'm interested with management and operations.

I don't even know what industry it is that I want to pursue.

Exploratory. That is what my latest employer told me.

That I still don't know what I want.

And with regards to my interview responses, I have somewhat a difficult case.

I am easily bored. Routine exhaust me.

He even gave me this hint that he expects me not to stay long with the company and yet he still approved of me.

I am very grateful for that, actually.

So, my realization.

I don't know if this is sloth -and I hope not, that is one of the deadly sins- but I “realized” that what I really what is freedom.

Freedom to use my time the way I want.

Freedom to do things however and whichever way I want to.

Freedom to express myself and everything.

I want to produce and create things based on what I want and what I need in the pace that I set whether I set one or not.

And who got those?

Writers, artists, photographers... mostly art people. And children.

Yeah sure they don't have everything.

Some have deadlines to run into. Those who work for a company.

But what about those people who work for themselves?

Just for the love of art?

Those who are not being asked or tasked what they have to do.

Those freelancers who live simply and inspired and just for the sake of art?

Sure, if you ask me years ago if I want to be a millionaire I'd probably exclaimed, “Of course!”

But now, all I think about is how to get myself workshops or courses or certificates in Creative Writing and Fine Arts.

I even want to be an apprentice for a good writer or an artist!

I've always wanted to be a writer.

Then you will ask me, “Then why did you not enroll in Creative Writing?”

I would. I had decided on that. It's one of my regret story.

I've always love Arts.

“Then why did I not enroll in Fine Arts?”

It's the same regret story I have with the writer thing.

The regret story?

I let this one stupid thing get in my way.

I'm not saying that if the stupid thing didn't get in my way or if I did something about it back then, then I'd successfully be in Creative Writing or Fine Arts.

It's not that.

I'm not even sure if I'd pass the exam back then. Plus the Portfolio Review for the Fine Arts.

It's that, I didn't even try to do something about it, period.

Regrets.

I'm over that. Anyway...

So, I want to be a writer and an artist.

And I decided to do something about it.

I'm about to work on a good story that I have running in my mind.

I started drawing again.

I will still take my job, save up if I can while helping with the finances in the household and sending two incoming college freshmen.

Study and practice and practice and study.

And someday, maybe travel the world and meet different people and cultures.

Write about it.

Draw about it.

Paint about it.

Even sculpt something if I learn how to.

That is the best dream I'd ever have!